I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
