Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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