do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
