Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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