Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
