I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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