: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
