Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
