I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
