nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
