Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
