Fuck appropriateness.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
