and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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