I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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