I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
