hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
