dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
