i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
