My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
