some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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