dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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