the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
