Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
