I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
