Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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