I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
