Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
