The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
