wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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