I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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