when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
