she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
