I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
