I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
