On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
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the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
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You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.