y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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