I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
