The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
