today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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