no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
