You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
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There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
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Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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