nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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