fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
