How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
