Got a toothbrush?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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