and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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