Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
