week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
