If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
