I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
