i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
