I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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