so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
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Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
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In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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