If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
vagina is talking i cant
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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