im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
