gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
