the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
