Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
