I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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