New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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