walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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